The Ministry of Absence

A few of you have asked, and others might be wondering. What happens after I retire? Will I still come to church on Sundays? Can we get together for coffee? Will I be available to do a wedding? So I thought it might be good to share with you the guidelines that the UUA and the UU Ministers' Association have for retiring ministers. They ask that a retiring minister leave the congregation, and not perform any ministerial function for the members of that congregation following their departure. (So, no weddings.) They also ask that a retiring minister not attempt to become friends with their former members. It might sound drastic, but one source called it a ministry of absence.

If the former minister is absent, a space is created for something new to emerge. People are better able to connect with a new minister. First of all, this would be with an interim minister, whose work is designed to help the congregation in its transition. Then the congregation will vote to call a new settled minister. That minister will need time to get to know people, to make connections, to be there for you in a time of need, and inspire you with their preaching—to really become your minister. It is easier for that to happen if the former minister is not in the picture.

These guidelines for retiring ministers are put into place to support the ongoing health of the congregation, and the future of its ministry. They are also there to support the transition of the retiring minister. I will need time to sort out my new life, and who I will be in that life. I have not been making any commitments post-retirement, so that I can ease into that spaciousness and see what waits to emerge in me during the next phase of my life.

But there is another transition that happens maybe a few years later. Once the new minister is settled in, and things are going well, then the question can be opened up again about whether the retired minister might want to come to church or participate as a member or friend. Some retired ministers do become members of their former congregations, while others do not. At that point, it is a different kind of relationship. At that point, a retired minister might check in with the current minister to see how things are going and whether their presence would be helpful or welcome.

I was trying to think of an analogy that might help to explain it. Did you ever end a relationship with a partner, and wish you could be friends? I have had that experience. I learned that it can't happen right away. First of all I had to take time away from that person—to grieve the end of the relationship, and get really clear in my own separate life. But then, after a couple years of absence, I was able to become friends with some former partners. I think this might be true for ministry transitions as well. We need time apart to let go of the ministry relationship. But it may be that some day in the future, there could be a friendly connection.

Here is how I imagine the first couple of years. Margy and I will be staying in Portland, but neither of us will be actively connecting with members of Allen Avenue. We will go about our lives, and see what emerges. It may be that we will encounter members of Allen Avenue in that process—such as at a Permablitz or a rally in Monument Square or at the grocery store. It will be great to see you, and say hello, and do what we are doing together. We don't have to avoid each other in random situations. But we won't talk about church in that encounter. We won't ask how it is going at A2U2, and if you started to tell us, we would gently change the subject. Then we would go back to planting trees or carrying posters or getting our groceries. We live in the same town, so it would be natural to occasionally see each other.

One thing I do want to add—I will still care about you after I go. A2U2 will always be a part of me, and I will be a part of you. Maybe that is also why they call it a ministry of absence. It is another way to express that caring for this beloved community during this transition.

Affectionately, and still your minister for the next few months! Rev. Myke

What does preparing for retirement mean?

One of the biggest tasks is to pass along various bits of information or knowledge that I hold to others here at the church—this month, for example, I have been teaching our church administrator, Alice Alexander, how to do our UUA reporting each January. Each time I look around my office, I notice more such projects.

Realizing all that has to be done as a part of the leaving process, I wasn't sure how I would find time for it, added to what I already am doing each week. But then a colleague mentioned that her minister, preparing to retire after a long tenure in a congregation, brought back his “old favorite” sermons to preach during the last six months. That seems like a good idea to me on many levels—I like the idea of revisiting old reflections or important themes that are worth another exploration. Plus, there are many newer members for whom these would be totally new. And it will give me an extra day each week to tend to the tasks of leaving. I've started reading through many old sermons to determine which ones seem like they have something to offer for this time.

One old favorite that I want to share this month explores the story of Rev. Thomas Barnes, the early Universalist preacher who came to Portland and helped to lay the groundwork for our congregation to be formed in 1821. He is a part of A2U2 history and his message of love is inspiring even now. I also want to revisit “Gently Down the Stream,” about the wisdom of the Tao for living our lives with equanimity and flow. I imagine that I will still have some new things to say before I go, but it feels good to bring back words from other years as well.

On February 4th, we are participating with a wider UU program dedicated to Black Lives of UU—all of our readings, reflections, prayers, and music will be drawn from the voices of Black UU's or from the Black cultural experience in America. The idea is to de-center whiteness, and center the experience of people who for so many years have been on the margins of our movement and our society. Our Share the Plate during February will be devoted to this cause as well.

The UUA is inviting congregations to give donations, or to make a pledge for future donations as part of a $5.3 million dollar funding campaign for Black Lives of UU. Our district will match all of our contributions, and if we can stretch to give an average of $10 per member, or a total of $2330 during this year and next, those donations will be matched by a donor at the UUA. Since our Share the Plate funds usually come to only about $400-600 during a month, it will take some stretching to reach their invited level of commitment. If you are interested in making a special donation to this campaign, please contact me, or you can write a check to A2U2 with a note in the memo that is it for Black Lives of UU. You can find out more at https://www.uua.org/giving/areas-support/funds/promise-and-practice.

Affectionately,
Rev. Myke

What Does It Mean to Say Goodbye? (Part One)

I am writing this in the last days of 2017, in the bitter cold of winter. I wish for all of you many blessings in the coming new year.

As we come round into 2018, I know I must turn more intentionally to focus on the work involved in leaving this beloved community next summer, and what it means to say goodbye. Some of that work is inherently practical—I want to pass along to staff and volunteers, for example, the institutional memory that is now in my own mind, or in files in my office. So I will be sorting through files in my office, or on my computer, or just pondering what I know, to make sure that what needs to be passed along will find a good home among you. And what is not needed by you or me, I will let go of, so that the minister's office itself is ready for an interim minister to use in August.

Some of the work is spiritual and involves my consciously letting go of control, and leaning into trust. For example, I will let go of my role in the future planning of the congregation. I notice this already happening as the board talks about the process of hiring an interim minister—and I purposefully don't speak. In our UU way of transition, the current minister is not meant to offer any opinions about the future direction of the church. It will be up to the board, and to other volunteer church leaders, to do the work of preparing for the transition. I have been so accustomed to being in the thick of our planning for the future, and I have to admit that it is hard to let go of that. I have loved being the minister of A2U2, and so I feel a certain poignancy as aspects of that role begin to drop away. But as a spiritual practice, it is a growing edge that allows me to put my trust in the great River of Life and in all of you.

For your part, the spiritual work may involve realizing more deeply and clearly that this congregation's ministry and future belong to you. It will be your work to envision its hopes, to claim the aspects you cherish, to let go of what is no longer needed, and to imagine new ways to live its mission. And perhaps most of all, it will be your work to listen well to each other as you shape this future together. You may have different ideas about what is important, what you hope for, what you are concerned about—but if you listen well, the future will be more beautiful together than it could ever be if shaped by only one person or a small segment. You will grow spiritually by putting your trust in each other, and in the great River of Life.

Every ending is a chance to reflect on and practice for the larger endings in our lives, and the ultimate ending of death. They say that what is most important to those who are dying are four things—to forgive and be forgiven, to say thank you and be thanked, to express their love and be loved, and to say goodbye. The ending of a ministry also includes some of the same emotional tasks. It will be good for us to acknowledge the hard places, to ask for forgiveness for the ways we have disappointed or hurt each other, despite our best intentions. It will be good for us to reflect on our years of shared ministry, to celebrate that ministry, to express gratitude to each other. It will be good for us to express our love for each other. And eventually, it will be good to say goodbye to each other openly and with affection.

Of course, in the meantime, we will still worship together, we will still care for each other, we will still continue to live our mission in the best way we can, to offer hope and healing to a troubled world. If you have questions about any of this process, please let me know. I am your minister right now.

Affectionately, Rev. Myke