The Ministry of Absence

A few of you have asked, and others might be wondering. What happens after I retire? Will I still come to church on Sundays? Can we get together for coffee? Will I be available to do a wedding? So I thought it might be good to share with you the guidelines that the UUA and the UU Ministers' Association have for retiring ministers. They ask that a retiring minister leave the congregation, and not perform any ministerial function for the members of that congregation following their departure. (So, no weddings.) They also ask that a retiring minister not attempt to become friends with their former members. It might sound drastic, but one source called it a ministry of absence.

If the former minister is absent, a space is created for something new to emerge. People are better able to connect with a new minister. First of all, this would be with an interim minister, whose work is designed to help the congregation in its transition. Then the congregation will vote to call a new settled minister. That minister will need time to get to know people, to make connections, to be there for you in a time of need, and inspire you with their preaching—to really become your minister. It is easier for that to happen if the former minister is not in the picture.

These guidelines for retiring ministers are put into place to support the ongoing health of the congregation, and the future of its ministry. They are also there to support the transition of the retiring minister. I will need time to sort out my new life, and who I will be in that life. I have not been making any commitments post-retirement, so that I can ease into that spaciousness and see what waits to emerge in me during the next phase of my life.

But there is another transition that happens maybe a few years later. Once the new minister is settled in, and things are going well, then the question can be opened up again about whether the retired minister might want to come to church or participate as a member or friend. Some retired ministers do become members of their former congregations, while others do not. At that point, it is a different kind of relationship. At that point, a retired minister might check in with the current minister to see how things are going and whether their presence would be helpful or welcome.

I was trying to think of an analogy that might help to explain it. Did you ever end a relationship with a partner, and wish you could be friends? I have had that experience. I learned that it can't happen right away. First of all I had to take time away from that person—to grieve the end of the relationship, and get really clear in my own separate life. But then, after a couple years of absence, I was able to become friends with some former partners. I think this might be true for ministry transitions as well. We need time apart to let go of the ministry relationship. But it may be that some day in the future, there could be a friendly connection.

Here is how I imagine the first couple of years. Margy and I will be staying in Portland, but neither of us will be actively connecting with members of Allen Avenue. We will go about our lives, and see what emerges. It may be that we will encounter members of Allen Avenue in that process—such as at a Permablitz or a rally in Monument Square or at the grocery store. It will be great to see you, and say hello, and do what we are doing together. We don't have to avoid each other in random situations. But we won't talk about church in that encounter. We won't ask how it is going at A2U2, and if you started to tell us, we would gently change the subject. Then we would go back to planting trees or carrying posters or getting our groceries. We live in the same town, so it would be natural to occasionally see each other.

One thing I do want to add—I will still care about you after I go. A2U2 will always be a part of me, and I will be a part of you. Maybe that is also why they call it a ministry of absence. It is another way to express that caring for this beloved community during this transition.

Affectionately, and still your minister for the next few months! Rev. Myke